Bored

How many times have you caught yourself saying...Im Bored! I have said that out loud and in my haed at least 30 times today alone. Well I mean yesterday since its already the next day @ 2 a.m. I just couldnt sleep thinking if I was so concentrated on my being so bored, why didnt I do anything about it. Why didnt I cook something. Call some friends and go out. Learn something. Read a book or even just go and drive anywhere that something may be happening... But NO I just stayed in my home and stayed bored. I did absolutely nothing.. And that began to scare me... Is that what happens before someone finally decides that life isnt getting any better so might as well end it now.... I hope not. I love life.. I just havent learned to live it.. I wouldnt want anyone to die inside or in reality without living life. Some one should open a site or a help center to help those who havent lived... to live... I WANT TO LIVE... I will write a post everyday and say what ever it is that I have done and give a pic to prove :) For today I will just start with a random Bored pic of myself....Believe me there are tons of them...

How TO LIVE

How does on live? I mean really live. I want to be able to just go out into this world that Ive only seen through the magic mirror in the living room, or some call it a T.V. I want to learn to let go and not fear for what happens next. To completely let go of any pain from the past and SMILE! Don't you want to be able to do the same? Don't you wish you could place something you wanted to do on a website and have someone help you do that just thing. And in good favor do the same for someone else. Help them. In fact I will allow you to post something on here if you like, anything and if you see that someone has posted something that they want to do and that you have done feel free to post your experience or if you could help them in any way..... Inform you friends if possible we could start a movement. We could make a new way of living how we want.....HAPPY.....FULL OF LIFE!!! :)

Memories

Do you ever just sit down and rest your head on your arms at work or school and say to yourself, "What am I doing with my life?" or "Now what?". I ask myself this question on a constant basis. What am I doing? What are you doing? How is it that people with less talent, knowledge and general want are doing better then me in life? Now don't get me wrong I love my family and the few friend I actually do speak to but I just feel like there is no real life in me. Like the light inside has dimmed dowm to a point where I need to squint my eyes in order to see enough to not fall on my ass. lol. Then in the midst of all my thoughts of past failures and uncompleted goals come, out of nowhere, senseless memories. I was going through one of these daily ruts today and in the process of asking myself these questions I thought of when I was around the age of 15 riding to Texas on the Greyhound with my brother. The reason this moment came to mind was because it was an event that showed me that inside complete strangers you dont know are kind and generous people. It starts off with the fact that me and my brother were on this bus in order to visit my grandparents(the mother and father of my mother)in Brownsville, TX. Now my mother usually would drive us over for the summer but was unable to take the necessary time off to make the trip. She raised us though as childeren to be very independent so figured it was time we went on our own on the Greyhound Bus. Now I don't know about you but going on the bus at that age with a little brother about 2yrs younger really makes you feel like an adult. Well I would hate to say, me and my brother were deffinatlly not acting like adults. We were fighting almost the whole trip. And it was during on of these fights that my memory stuck to me. We were on the route heading to Alabama through Georgia. The tempurature had dropped alot and I almost thought it was going to snow any minute. We had just finished fighting becuase we were getting aggrivated with each other being on the bus all day long. He had moved to the two-seat row in front of me and refused to let me use his jacket in order to get warmed up, and that alone brought us to fight more and end our communication for at least an hour. And then to my rescue was a kind stranger seated across the asile. I really don'r remember much about him, what I do really couldnt idnetify him: He was caucasion, wearing a military uniform, I believe blue eyes and blond short hair with a hat. He offered me his warm wool jacket in exchange for a Tylenol. I really couldn't say if he was offering me it in order to shut me up or if he really was a kind man offering a young girl a kindness she would never forget, but whatever the reason I will rememeber him. I will remember the rough yet warmth it provided me for a mere two hours. I remebr smelling that coat upon recieving it. I realize that may sound wired but I believe I may have gotten a crush on him for that act. Hahaha. I laugh now at the thought. But the thought is something I will think of in times when I need something to be happy about.:)

Movie: "Away We Go"

"Are we fuck ups..... We arnt fuck ups" I am no movie critic or expert of actors. To tell the truth I just got the Blockbuster movie month pass and decieded I would just write about the movies and see if I like it. So here is my take on the movie "Away We Go". I first of all must give kudos to the music producer or what ever the person who deceides what music goes with what scene. I konw that the music isn't the whole of the movie but the way this music is formatted into the movie is great. I also must say that the cast that was placed in the movie is good as well. Now I dont want to completely praise this movie up and down, every movie has its faults but I do like this movie. The journey of two people who are in love and having a baby, looking for the right place to raise their little girl. Realizing that there are many things that they themselves are not in control of, and that even when one who you would assume had there act together really didnt. Venturing throughout North America visiting friends and family they have sprawled around, living different lives and using different methods of life as well. From the crazy parents of Burt who decide to move to Switzerland in the begining to the his poor brother who's wife just left him. It really is a good story within a story as well. I would recommend this movie to anyone who just wants to watch a movie. It really can fit any situation from a lonley day with no date on the couch with a tub of icecream to a regular date where the guy is trying to find the right time to strech and put his arm around his date. Good luck with that dude and fun times watching :)

Friday morning

So it's Friday morning, really early in the morning, and I have still not done anything completely. :(. I have painted my room but there is still a little patch that is not complete. Is it that I have a problem finishing things? Is it that I just cant commit to any ting anymore? And if that is the issue, then why? Why cant I finish a simple thing like painting my room! I really need to take some time and contemplate on my life and what I'm doing with it. I need to look down the path I'm taking and see if its the one I want to complete. Is this path going to make me happy? Is it what I want in my life? Maybe I am soon to come into a fork in the road of my life, which way will I take? Maybe I just need to stop being that person who asks these "what if" and "why" questions and be that person who just goes out there and does it. I was watching T.V. this morning and fell upon an old episode of "Will and Grace'. In the show will and grace were talking on how they are always talking about doing stuff yet always find that they never do any OT those things. They just allow life as they imagine it to pass through like the wind. I DO NT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME! I want to kayak in the Estero River, and go snorkeling in the Key West reefs. I want to swim with a shark and be able to wear a bikini with no shame. I want and need these things in my life. For I fear that if I do not accomplish any of these things I will just die. I am not saying this in an exaggerated way either. I mean that I feel on a day to day basis that my life is being drained from me and that If I do not replace my old life with something new then I will just be a hallow and empty shell. Blank stare and no thoughts. Thats almost like the begining of a serial killer, like a female version of Mike Myers. I dont want to become, lifeless. I dont want to die within. I need and must complete something in my life and bring back the lost and hidden joy and happiness. I must!

I fail at my own assignments.

So since the last blog I wrote, I am yet to accomplish something. So to place myself on a better and more set track I will place actual goals and set my self to set them within a period of time. I will in some ways write my very own "Bucket List" and in some ways just make personal goals to begin and live by. Almost like making a New Years Resolution, But on a longer scale then just a year. Now the real question I need to ask myself, and one that everyone should ask themselves, is " Who and What do I want to be?"
-I want to be known and remembered
-I want to make a difference in someones life
-I want to create life and inspire it
-I want to flat out LIVE!

So for this next I'll set some goals to do and hope to complete them by next Sunday morning at 12 AM.
-Actually get caught up in my classes and stay on track
-Start diet, really!
-Learn something new everyday
-Kiss someone
-Write a blog every night
-Paint room
-Go to the beach (early in morning or late at night)
-Go get a drink with a friend
-Read a book
-Do something way out of the ordinary
-Get ready completely for work and school every day without hassle
-Start running every other day
-Get in tough with an old friend



I realize these may not be the most fun and exciting things to do but I really don't do anything as it is. So in order for me to get out of this rut, I have to begin somewhere.

Wish me luck:)

This pic is really the only thing Ive done which includes fun.
I wont more memories like this!!!

This is me! But even with this picture, I can not identify myself. I am like a lost shadow with no one to follow. I am like an empty cup, never to be filled again. I feel like life passes day by day and I am not being noticed. I don't notice myself, for no one else notices me. How sad. How very, very sad. Is that a real smile? Am I happy? I was driving today on my way home from work, listening to NPR radio and heard that if you as a person are not inapt with your self and your surroundings and are living everyday, day by day; sad and lonely; depressed and scared, that you are more likely to get sick and maybe in the long run get cancer or some other kind of disease. For you immune system gets depressed and doesn't do its job as well and allows things like high blood pressure or cancer cells to form. I don't want that. Would you want that? I just want to live, and live I will. From this day forward I will live everyday carefully but with enjoyment. I will take risks and stop being afraid. I will be adventurous and stop putting things to the side for another day for that other day my not be there for me to live. I hope with my experiences, that you can as well live and be happy. Maybe I've found the cure for cancer and disease's around the world, or at least a way to prevent them. The cure to living a healthy life without illness is to live your life in general. I will post on my up and short comings in life so that YOU may learn and live as well. Have fun!!!!