Friday morning

So it's Friday morning, really early in the morning, and I have still not done anything completely. :(. I have painted my room but there is still a little patch that is not complete. Is it that I have a problem finishing things? Is it that I just cant commit to any ting anymore? And if that is the issue, then why? Why cant I finish a simple thing like painting my room! I really need to take some time and contemplate on my life and what I'm doing with it. I need to look down the path I'm taking and see if its the one I want to complete. Is this path going to make me happy? Is it what I want in my life? Maybe I am soon to come into a fork in the road of my life, which way will I take? Maybe I just need to stop being that person who asks these "what if" and "why" questions and be that person who just goes out there and does it. I was watching T.V. this morning and fell upon an old episode of "Will and Grace'. In the show will and grace were talking on how they are always talking about doing stuff yet always find that they never do any OT those things. They just allow life as they imagine it to pass through like the wind. I DO NT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME! I want to kayak in the Estero River, and go snorkeling in the Key West reefs. I want to swim with a shark and be able to wear a bikini with no shame. I want and need these things in my life. For I fear that if I do not accomplish any of these things I will just die. I am not saying this in an exaggerated way either. I mean that I feel on a day to day basis that my life is being drained from me and that If I do not replace my old life with something new then I will just be a hallow and empty shell. Blank stare and no thoughts. Thats almost like the begining of a serial killer, like a female version of Mike Myers. I dont want to become, lifeless. I dont want to die within. I need and must complete something in my life and bring back the lost and hidden joy and happiness. I must!

I fail at my own assignments.

So since the last blog I wrote, I am yet to accomplish something. So to place myself on a better and more set track I will place actual goals and set my self to set them within a period of time. I will in some ways write my very own "Bucket List" and in some ways just make personal goals to begin and live by. Almost like making a New Years Resolution, But on a longer scale then just a year. Now the real question I need to ask myself, and one that everyone should ask themselves, is " Who and What do I want to be?"
-I want to be known and remembered
-I want to make a difference in someones life
-I want to create life and inspire it
-I want to flat out LIVE!

So for this next I'll set some goals to do and hope to complete them by next Sunday morning at 12 AM.
-Actually get caught up in my classes and stay on track
-Start diet, really!
-Learn something new everyday
-Kiss someone
-Write a blog every night
-Paint room
-Go to the beach (early in morning or late at night)
-Go get a drink with a friend
-Read a book
-Do something way out of the ordinary
-Get ready completely for work and school every day without hassle
-Start running every other day
-Get in tough with an old friend



I realize these may not be the most fun and exciting things to do but I really don't do anything as it is. So in order for me to get out of this rut, I have to begin somewhere.

Wish me luck:)

This pic is really the only thing Ive done which includes fun.
I wont more memories like this!!!

This is me! But even with this picture, I can not identify myself. I am like a lost shadow with no one to follow. I am like an empty cup, never to be filled again. I feel like life passes day by day and I am not being noticed. I don't notice myself, for no one else notices me. How sad. How very, very sad. Is that a real smile? Am I happy? I was driving today on my way home from work, listening to NPR radio and heard that if you as a person are not inapt with your self and your surroundings and are living everyday, day by day; sad and lonely; depressed and scared, that you are more likely to get sick and maybe in the long run get cancer or some other kind of disease. For you immune system gets depressed and doesn't do its job as well and allows things like high blood pressure or cancer cells to form. I don't want that. Would you want that? I just want to live, and live I will. From this day forward I will live everyday carefully but with enjoyment. I will take risks and stop being afraid. I will be adventurous and stop putting things to the side for another day for that other day my not be there for me to live. I hope with my experiences, that you can as well live and be happy. Maybe I've found the cure for cancer and disease's around the world, or at least a way to prevent them. The cure to living a healthy life without illness is to live your life in general. I will post on my up and short comings in life so that YOU may learn and live as well. Have fun!!!!

Army Man

By: Leo Silva

Battle grounds filled with blood with the men that tried,
I am wounded with my blood slivering down my chest,
I hold my riffle, aim to the West,
were West is where the meadows grow red,
with read roses dancing with the grazing winds.
Ok, Ok........
I look around, I see the enemy in numerous mounds.
All filled with detest for me,
Because I have a warm heart still beating,
I feel these frigid Artic bodies getting near,
I see the raven knight closing to the rear.
Hope is fading, light is dim
I hear my bodies drum slow in beat.
My mind is depeated, my power is gone,
I feel my warm blooding roaming to a halt.
My veins are freezing, I feel no control.
My grief stricken face, See's the victors strut.
Straunting towards my pitiful tomb.
"Here I proclaim, what is mine."
Bang!
Memories have splattered through the battle grounds,
my red tears fall off my cluttered frowns.
Now I rest, my dove is abound.
The white dove passes, guiding me through the light.
I reunite with my platoon, and rid of my freight.
My soul is free no longer commended,
the battle continues and will never END.

Sundays

I woke up this morning, checked the time and got my stuff ready for work. As I took a shower I began to think, as I do every Sunday, that I would start this week with a fresh start. I would, with the shower, cleanse my self and begin my new self. Driving to work, while listening to the radio station, I heard a couple of songs that really made me think, then again isn't that what songs are for. "Red light" is a song about a man driving on a Sunday with his girlfriend, observing all the good and seemingly happy around him when his girlfriend tells him that is is over, and the other "Sundays" by Craig Morgan. It is mainly about all the things that, that one should love about Sundays and what is overlooked on a day to day basis. These songs allowed me to open my eyes just a little more to see what was happening around me during my drive. I looked over to my right and saw a young women with a baby in the back seat. I could tell that she was a new mother for she looked very tired and not well put together, yet I knew that she was would make it for that is the look that most new mothers have. he he. Then I looked to the left and saw an older couple. The man was driving the car, I believe it was an Oldsmobile, dressed in a suit like outfit very crisp and clean.His wife was there next to him with her hand rested on his. It amazed me that on my way to work I would witness a new relationship between a mother and child going through the new and troubled times and also a relationship of the ages between a husband and wife, sitting in there car looking just as much in love as they must of been on their wedding day. I then took my eyes off the beauty in which humans live and began to look at the beauty around me. The sun seemed to be brighter and the grass greener. I opened my window and noticed that the air even had a sweetness about it. So next time that you are driving like a zombie, not really alive like everything around you, take a moment to " Smell the roses" or in today's case open your eyes to what is all around you. Good day today, good day tomorrow. Even if the day isn't what you wanted it to be, it is going good for someone. :)

Driving

Today, as I was driving home from work, I took a couple of moments to visit an old family member I hadn't visited in almost 10 Years. I know, that's quite some time! And I must say I pass his current home almost everyday on my way home, for it is just to the left side of me, just one U-Turn away. Now Im sure your asking yourself " Why ha vent I visited him earlier?" or" Why visit at all". And the truth is I was scared, or more like I was'nt sure what I would feel if I went to visit. He is in an earth of silence and stone. He can no longer speak, hear, see, nor taste. He is lying all day long in a stone home, under the ground. Surrounded by others jailed in the cold silent stone. No longer does he see the sun in the morning or hear the kids laugh at the park. I was scared that I would myself fear for the time when his current abode would become mine. I was afraid that I may have an empowerment of feelings and burst out in tears. I was afraid that by seeing all that is surrounding him that I myself would become depressed. As I drove into the gates, all rusted and silent with no wind, my car went from the normalcy of the road to a half paved road. I drove half-way into the graveyard, passing veterans, mothers, fathers, children who died to soon. I passed trees that overshadowed graves and empty plots. I stopped my car midway where the paved road became no more. I left the car on for I was only going to be a couple of minutes, walking past tombs trying not to step on what I had believed to be bodies six feet under. An on approaching the grave I had feared on seeing, I noticed that there was nothing to fear. He had a loving family, for they had made sure to keep his space neat. There was a bench that they placed next to him under a small tree for shade. I sat down, read the tombstone and began to feel happy. Now don't get me wrong, I missed my grandfather, he was an OK man from the little that I remember. Kind yet stick to the grandchildren and loyal to his wife to the day he died. I remember the day he died I had taken my cousin who was raised by him and my grandmother to the movies just before to get her out the house from which hes was bedridden. Upon returning we heard the weeping and knew that he was very near to the end. A couple of moments later he was gone. I will say though that that man could not have had more people who loved and respected him, fore the whole house was filled with his children and there children and friends who wanted to be there to say goodbye for one last time. As I got up from the bench in the wary graveyard I realized that what I had considered to be a horrid place to be, even if just to visit, was a good place. It held something that you cant find in any store. Peace and forgiveness. The cold stone that lay on top of the grass was evidence of those that were loved, those who now lye in peace, in silence. They unlike us living can rest with no worries. I was glad that I had taken that one little U-Turn today. By taking that turn and visiting that long awaited family member, my grandfather, I was able to live in his world for a couple of moments. Silence and peace. Good bye Apa, Good Bye.